They Look Fine To Me…

By Key Ministry, Joe and Cindi Ferrini

THOSE OF US CARING FOR CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES ARE USED TO HEARING PEOPLE SAY THINGS LIKE, “THEY LOOK FINE TO ME.”

There are, indeed, some children with disabilities that have few visible appearances that would make them stand out as special in some way. But even when there are noticeable things and people say that to me, I admit: I feel offended!

I’m not necessarily proud of some of my thoughts, and they never come out of my mouth, but here are some that run through my mind:

• Let’s trade children for a week and see if you still feel that way.
• You just made me feel like I couldn’t possibly KNOW what I’m talking about and (after nearly 36 years of caring for my son) you’ve just observed things over the course of less than 3 minutes telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about.
• Have you worked with special needs children before to make that statement?
• Do you have a child with special needs with which you have the ability to make such an assessment?

Instead, because I try to pray before I speak …. I usually say something like:

• Yes, things are pretty normal until he starts spitting, hitting, scratching, etc. me as I get him ready for work.
• Well, he is quiet, usually.
• Yes, he is good looking!

Instead of engaging directly about it I have learned to become selective to whom and of what I’ll share.

Those whose children “look fine” often have it more difficult because of that very reason. Not all disabilities show themselves to where others can see/notice them….and they’ll likely never notice, until of course…it affects them and they have a child (or someone in their immediate family) with special needs. Sad, isn’t it?

Even once, someone in our extended family said to Joe as he was sharing his heart and nearing tears, “Oh, Joe, I thought you were tougher than that.” OK, then! You can guess how many times we had any further transparent comments or conversations about our son with them (or any general conversation). Never.

WE ARE STILL LEARNING, AS WE’RE NOT PERFECT, BUT HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE WORKED FOR US:

• The idea of limited transparency works well! Don’t say too much or tell the whole story to everyone!
• Have a friend or family member that’s your “go to” person with whom you can be transparent. Make sure they’re “safe” people who will keep it to themselves and private.
• Enjoy that we have membership to this private club and find a friend in the ranks that can understand and listen…and you do the same!

IN THESE WAYS WE CAN BE POLITE WHEN “EVERYTHING “LOOKS” FINE…. EVEN WHEN IT ISN’T!

 

http://www.keyministry.org/specialneedsparenting/2017/2/20/they-look-fine-to-me

Confronting Your Teen’s Mistakes

by Mark Gregston

 

“The difference between the exact right words and the almost right words is like the difference between lightning bugs and lightning bolts.”  — Mark Twain

Avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations helps maintain a solid relationship while effectively confronting your teen’s mistakes.

I haven’t met a teen yet who doesn’t want to know they will continue to be loved when they’ve made mistakes. Loving someone seems easy when everything is going well.  It’s a quite different matter when your teen breaks your rules, and their life spins out of control.   In those times, the best way to demonstrate your continual love for them is to take care in the way you confront their misbehavior, avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations.

The first step is to let your teen know why you are confronting their misbehavior. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them.  Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.

Be mindful that your teen knows what they have done, and it’s already uncomfortable for them without adding verbal or emotional fireworks. Focus on fixing the behavior, not the person. Remember, behaviors can be changed, but people rarely do.

Keep the word “you” to a minimum when talking to your teen, other than when praising them or saying positive things about their character. For instance, instead of “You broke curfew,” say, “Curfew was broken.” It seems like a little thing, but as soon as you use the word “you,” the teen feels as though they are being attacked personally.

Also avoid using definitive words like “never,” and “always,” in such discussions.  Statements like “You never listen to me,” or, “You always come home late,” attack their character, not the behavior. The more you attack their character, the more likely they’ll feel the need to defend themselves and their actions in return.  They may even begin identifying with the behavior and work hard to live up to it, thinking “I’m just the black sheep of the family.” So make it clear that they have it within them to do better; that they are a better person than their behavior is demonstrating.

Getting what you want from a discussion with your teen has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has everything to do with your motivation and approach. Ask yourself, “Will my approach move this discussion to a positive resolution, or away from it?” “Could my words increase our mutual respect for one another, or decrease it?” And finally, “Will my words encourage my teen to improve, or encourage them to just hide their behavior from me in the future?”

So, be sure to also check your attitude and hurt feelings at the door before approaching your teen about an issue that needs to be addressed.  Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, not on how you feel about the situation.  Inappropriate motivations can all too easily sneak into your conversation, which will interfere with bringing about positive results.

Here are inappropriate motivations to be avoided:

To unload your frustration.

Don’t dump on your teen, they’ll resent it.  They probably already have enough frustrations of their own.

To prove yourself right and your teen wrong.

It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, it is a matter of dealing with the matter at hand, and solving the problem.

To crush them into submission.

This is an ungodly response to a poor choice, and sets a terrible example.  It usually doesn’t work for the long-term, and will give your teen the desire to take revenge; another inappropriate response.  Never threaten or demean a teenager into changing their behavior. They might appear to make the change when they are around you, but behind your back they’ll do the opposite.

To change them into something or someone else.

Teens don’t change based on what their parents tell them. They change when they want to and in response to the consequences or pain they experience from making a bad decision. And most kids are already uncomfortable in their own skin, so telling them that they need to change to be accepted by you only makes them more confused and uncomfortable.

To threaten them.

Anything more than stating that a consequence will be applied should they step over the line is just bullying them.  Empty threats are even worse.  Your teen will come to know you don’t really mean what you say when you don’t enforce threatened consequences.

Now, here are appropriate motivations and goals to focus on as you have that talk:

To be clear and concise, and make sure your teen understands your concern for them.

To better understand your teen, or communicate you’d like to better understand them.

To give them rest from a wearying situation — yes, their transgressions can be emotionally burdensome.

To more clearly communicate your household beliefs, rules, and consequences.

To solve the problem at hand and prevent it from happening again.

You’ll notice that I positioned “To solve the problem” last on that list, not first. That’s because you’ll never get to really solving the problem unless you first work on the relationship. Problem-solving demands a good relationship and trust by your teen that you have their best interests at heart.

Please don’t hear me say that a parent should act subservient or apologetic to a teen when they are confronting inappropriate behavior. Say what you mean when you speak, and mean what you say, but choose words that won’t cause your teen to have to defend who they are as a person, and make sure your motivations are right.

I also recommend adding some levity to the discussion. It reduces the tension and allows you to focus on the issue without sounding angry or upset. And sometimes it doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out discussion. For instance, when I confront kids I usually do so with a big smile, saying something like, “Wow! You really blew it! What happened? ” Approaching it this way tends to make the teen respond, “Yeah, I guess I did.”  Getting them to agree and take ownership for their mistake is a healthy first step.  And asking them “what happened?” gives them an opportunity to respond and explain themselves without inferring that it was all their fault.

Did you see from this example that I didn’t attack their character nor them personally for making a mistake? In fact, if anything, I told them that they did a really good job of messing up!  Moreover, I set them on a path to do a really good job of not messing up again in the future, because I then applied consequences, saying, “Well, I guess you already know that means you’ll be raking a lot of pine needles this week?” (one of the traditional consequence for kids in our residential program who step over the line). “Yeah, I guess so,” they’ll respond. Then, I let the consequences do the teaching. As they rake pine needles (without being entertained by their iPod, by the way) it gives them ample time to think about their behavior and ample reason not to repeat it.

After they complete the assigned consequence, we again have a chat. That’ s when I reassure them that the error is now forgotten and that it is water under the bridge; thereby restoring open communications. And I again express confidence in them that they have it within them to avoid making that mistake again. I might even offer some advice from my own mistakes in life to help them from making the same mistake again.

The way that you manage confrontation is more important than you may think.  How you relate to and interact with your children at such pivotal times will determine the quality of your relationship with them in the future.  How you stand with them even in their times of misbehavior will determine if your children will mature into caring, loving and responsible adults.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

Confronting Your Teen’s Mistakes

 

 

ADVICE ON HOW TO ENCOURAGE SPECIAL-NEEDS SIBLINGS (FROM A SPECIAL-NEEDS SIBLING)

By: Sandra Peoples, Key Ministry

“She ruins everything!” I said to my mom when I was six and my big sister bumped into an art project I’d been working on all day.

And again when I was twelve and she wanted to hang out with me and my friends at my slumber party.

And again when I was seventeen and she snuck upstairs when I was watching a movie with a boyfriend.

Being fourteen months younger than my sister with Down syndrome wasn’t always easy. We were a grade apart in school, in a town where everyone knew everyone else. I was occasionally referred to as “Syble’s sister” instead of by my own name. When people made jokes about the kids on the short bus or “retards” I had to decide if I was going to stand up for my sister and bring more attention to myself or just let it go. And even at home, I tried to be perfect and low maintenance to make up for the extra work and attention my parents had to put into her.

And that’s why when I look into the eyes of my son David after he’s just said “He ruins everything!” referring to his brother with autism, I get it. I so get it. I get the frustration and the fear. I get the exhaustion and the embarrassment. I relive the moments I had at each stage I went through as a special-needs sibling. And it’s because of that experience I try to remember a few things.

 

• I don’t shame my typical son for the way he is feeling in the moment. I want him to express how he is feeling to me (or his dad) instead of taking it out on his brother. I usually say something like, “I know you’re angry right now. I’m sorry James broke the Lego creation you had been working very hard on building.”

 

• I remind him our feelings can lie to us. We talk about this often, not just in the heat of a tense moment. Feelings can distort the facts and we need to focus on the facts. “You may feel like James broke it on purpose, but do you really think that’s true? You know he cares for you and doesn’t like you to be upset.” Or, in an embarrassing situation, “I know you feel like everyone is looking at us because James is making noise, but most people are just glancing at us and then focusing back on their food and friends. There are lots of people in here making noise, not just James.”

 

• I celebrate the accomplishments of both boys. Sometimes special-needs siblings can feel ignored or unimportant. Especially when they are younger and the special-needs child is getting attention for skills the typical sibling has already mastered (like tying shoes or eating with a fork.) Last summer James started answering yes or no questions. Yay! And David remembered to answer “yes ma’am” and “no sir” when appropriate. Yay! We celebrated with both boys.

 

• I give him opportunities to grow in areas of interest. When I was young, I loved to read. That was my thing. (It’s still my thing honestly.) My parents made sure I had the latest Babysitters Club book and often let me stay up to read “one more chapter.” David is into theatre. Right now, that is his thing. So we go to auditions. We run lines. We show up on opening night. We give him lots of attention and praise as he figures out what he’s good at and wants to do.

 

• I make sure we have one-on-one time together. This isn’t always easy, but I think it’s so important. I homeschool our typical son so we get lots of time together. And we recently took a trip, just the two of us. I’m sure it will get harder to make happen as he gets older, but I’m making it a priority now.

 

• I say thank you every day. Don’t we wish someone would do that for us as special-needs parents? It probably doesn’t happen, but we can make it happen for our typical kids. Thanks for holding your brother’s hand to cross the street. Thanks for standing up for your sister when those kids weren’t nice to her. Thank you for going to his favorite restaurant again. Thank you for understanding why we had to leave the party early. Thank you.

Being Syble’s sister has brought more blessings than I can count. She has made me the person I am and I’m thankful. I pray David can look back and say the same about growing up with James.

 

http://www.keyministry.org/specialneedsparenting/2016/7/18/advice-on-how-to-encourage-special-needs-siblings-from-a-special-needs-sibling

Conflict With Your Teenager

By Mark Gregston, Parenting Today’s Teens

 

When parents avoid conflict with their teenager, they are avoiding some of the greatest teaching opportunities they will ever have.

Does anyone like conflict? No. It’s not a fun or enjoyable experience; however it is necessary, and if used properly, conflict can be a precursor to change. It’s very unlikely that a lasting change will come without at least some measure of conflict and struggle. As Ben Franklin put it, “The door to success swings on the hinges of opposition.”

Conflict usually turns ugly when it is met with reluctance, insensitivity or immaturity by either party. It’s a given that our kids will act immature, so it is up to us parents to be mature and take the higher road.

Conflict in and of itself is not what produces change for the better, it is how we respond to it.

Conflict can be a force for good in families, but only if it is dealt with properly. The way we react can either deepen the relationship, or it can tear it down. Most kids simply want to know that they are being heard! Refusing to understand that, and shutting off any form of conflict, can build a wall between you.

Another way walls can build up is to belittle your teen’s thoughts and feelings. The issue may seem like a small or “black and white” matter to you, but it could be confusing and all-encompassing to them. Often when I’m working with a young person I’ll say something like, “I think I understand what you are saying, but let me try to repeat it so I am sure.” Then, I calmly repeat back what their issue and position is.

You cannot expect your teen to respect you or your rules if you don’t show respect to them.

It’s important to acknowledge your teen’s viewpoint even if you don’t agree with it. Their view may be short-sighted, self-focused and just plain wrong, but it is still one that they are going to want to defend to the hilt. Your response to their “side” needs to be respectful rather than reactionary, understanding versus judgmental. Even so, if their position conflicts with your rules, and it’s an important matter of character or morality, you might say, “I understand now, but I don’t agree with your conclusion, so we’re not going to follow that path. But let’s keep talking about it so I can better understand why you feel this way.”

Change comes out of relationship. Failing to listen during conflict makes it difficult, if not impossible, for positive change to occur. More than almost anything else, I work constantly to keep the lines of communication open and to make sure relationships stay intact. If there is a smaller issue where I can give in without compromising something vital, I do, just so they know I am listening. I don’t want young people to feel that I’m constantly “shooting them down” or turning a deaf ear to their way of thinking. They need to know that their concerns are being heard, for if there is no hope of that, they will either become deceitful and just stop talking, or try other tactics like raging or acting out their anger through their behavior.

Healthy Results of Properly Handling Conflict

Conflict presents a wonderful opportunity to reinforce your values and beliefs. All the things you have been teaching your child before are brought into focus through applying your values to real-life situations. They may not agree with it, but they can at least begin to connect the dots.

Conflict gives you a chance to get to know your child better. Sometimes during conflict, kids are more willing to open up and express themselves. Be sure you don’t close the door during conflict and allow them to say how they are feeling. They may blurt out things they don’t really mean, or that could shock you, so don’t take offense. We’ve all said things we wish we could take back. Teens do this more often because they haven’t learned how to control their emotions. So try to understand the meaning behind the words and give grace to the actual words that are being said.

Conflict may show you a place where you are wrong. It’s a huge relationship builder to admit a mistake and to tell you child that you are changing your position because of what they said. This will show them you value them as an independent individual. If you’re wrong, own up to it. If you’re right, don’t cave in just to keep the peace.

Conflict is a crucial preparation for your teen in dealing with future conflict. The skills for dealing with conflict that your teen learns from you will be needed throughout their lives. The adult world is going to require them to resolve issues and conflicts with others, so you need to be sure you are giving them the tools they will need. And one day they will have kids, too, so you can show them the way to positive conflict.

Keep in mind that all of the positives of conflict break down when disrespect creeps in from either party. Name calling, screaming or slamming doors are all acts that your child (and you) should have nothing to do with. When they happen, the discussion needs to be put on hold until cooler heads prevail. That way, the teen knows they won’t get their way just by being angry or disrespectful. In fact, they end up shooting themselves in the foot because they lose the chance to make their case — at least until they can calm down. But be sure to come back to it and discuss it later that day. Don’t let conflicts fester too long, or they will eventually explode.

The Don’ts of Conflict
1) Don’t allow the crisis at hand to spill over and contaminate the rest of the relationship. It’s easy for the conflict to take over every conversation. Be willing to press the pause button — not to overlook or ignore the problem, but to have time to take a break and re-establish connections over a meal or shared moments that have nothing to do with the conflict at hand.

2) Don’t lose the “concept of we” in middle of the conflict. The relationship that you have been building with your child will bear fruit over time as long as you protect it. The conflict can challenge us as parents, but we need to approach it as an opportunity rather than as a sign of failure on our part. Don’t allow it to create a permanent breach in your relationship.

3) Don’t let conflicts build up — deal with them when they happen. A problem that you overlook doesn’t just go away; it becomes a building block in a wall that can grow and prevent both you and your child from properly responding to future conflicts. Each one that you address and resolve provides training for future conflicts.

The bottom line of dealing with any conflict is that there are root causes for every behavior. Don’t lose that perspective in the heat of the battle. The symptoms of conflict are not the problem; so you can’t resolve the problem by dealing with the symptoms. Keep the lines of communication open and the relationship strong, and you’ll successfully resolve any conflict that arises in your family. Properly responding starts with faith.  You have to believe that God is big enough to “work all things together for good” as Romans 8:28 tells us…and that He will use the situation to ultimately make things better.

 

 

About the Author: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/parenting-todays-teens-weekend/read/articles/conflict-with-your-teenager-12329.html

Embracing Teen Conflict for Good

By Mark Gregston, Heartlight

If your family could be described by a television program, would it be the older than dirt Leave It To Beaver series, or more like the can’t wait till it’s over The Kardashians? Despite every parent’s earnest hopes that their family will look something like the perfect sitcom, I can guarantee there’s going to be some reality TV thrown in there, too.

Maybe you’re living some of that reality right now. Your children have hit the teen years and you feel like your home has been thrown into tail-spin. Your teens are seeking increased independence while, as parents, you are trying to let the reigns out slowly. Or perhaps raising your child has always been a battle, causing you to think about waving the white flag and giving up. I get it—the teen years are a challenge!

Conflict is a pre-cursor for change. Don’t ignore what is before you as it might just be the greatest opportunity to influence your child… in the midst of some of the hardest parenting times.

Mom and Dad, let me offer you some encouragement. While these years are challenging, they also present critical opportunities to guide your teen through the real issues of life. Don’t shy away from these opportunities that appear as headaches and heartaches. Keep engaged with your teen no matter the level of stress on either side. This is where the battle is won for your teen. And this is when you need to be your teen’s best ally not his or her worst nightmare. Here’s some guidelines for dealing with a few challenging examples.

 

Example #1: The Angry Teen

Maybe the situation you’re facing today is constant conflict with your teen. Let’s first normalize this. Conflict will occur as your teen’s self-interests clash with your desire to look after his or her best interests. Remember, anger is a secondary emotion, so when your teen is angry, look to understand what is the root cause. Be genuinely curious to learn what he or she is feeling and thinking, wanting or needing. Talk to you teen!

Don’t match their anger, but ask them to share with you why they are angry. Your calm approach will bring stability to them and their emotions. You may not always be able to meet their unmet needs or wants, but you can listen to them and learn about them. Most important, you can help them process their deep feelings and frustrations. Sometimes that is enough. You may even be able to relate to them on many levels, remembering when you were a teen. In this way, your teen’s anger can be a doorway for developing an honest and healthy relationship based on mutual love and respect.

You may be thinking, “This is impossible!” You may be saying, “You don’t know my kid. He’s unapproachable!” Resist reliving the past or feeling intimidated in the present. Yes, it may start out bumpy, but let you teen know you are going to keep trying, you are going to keep engaging, and you are going to keep loving.   It’s been said that “no one cares how much you know until you show how much you care.”

And keep the big picture in mind. I once heard Chuck Swindoll say something about trials that has stuck with me through my many years of dealing with troubled teens. He said, “Everything that comes to you has first come through the hands of God.” God knows about your family issues, and more than that, He has placed those teenagers under your roof for a purpose—often for their refinement and yours.

 

Example #2: The Withdrawn Teen

The withdraw teen is an apathetic teen. Anger indicates they are still passionate and engaged, but apathy indicates they are in the danger zone of disengagement—checked out from everyone and everything. Signs of the withdrawn teen are that the things she used to care about no longer excite her. He has no motivation, no ambition, and lacks any strong emotion. This is the teen who can take parents to the end of their ropes because they seem unreachable.

The withdrawn teen can pose a heart-wrenching challenge–sometimes calling for the urgent action. First, keep engaging and keep reaching out to your teen in ways that are caring and loving. Again, it’s all about communication. Rather than criticizing them for their apathy, invite them into a dialogue to learn about what is troubling them inside. Let them know that nothing they can tell you will stop you from loving them. Let them know that you are genuinely there to listen and help. Take time out to show you really care. That might mean scheduling a night on the sofa to talk, a walk, a dinner out, or a road trip—whatever will create a real opportunity for real communication.

But if your teen won’t talk to you, don’t throw up your hands. You still have options. Suggest that they talk with a trusted Christian therapist or pastor. Many times teens are afraid to share with their parents the truth about their overwhelming feelings and even dark struggles, but they will talk to someone else if given the opportunity. Don’t feel rejected or hurt. Be grateful they want to deal with their issues. If they aren’t talking to you, they need to talk to someone. In addition, a professional can assess whether your teen is dealing with something more than temporary apathy. They can evaluate if serious depression or suicidal thoughts are preventing recovery.

Example #3: The Acting-Out Teen

These are the teens who wake you up in the middle of the night asking you to bail them out of jail. These are the teens who are sexually active, using drugs, drinking alcohol, bullying others, self-harming, have an eating disorder, or are exhibiting some other self-destructive behavior. This is the time for you to resist only focusing on the external issue to look deeper to the motivational driver.

Jesus did this all the time when he approached people in sin and we can learn from Him. He didn’t just address the behavior, but he dealt with the issues of the heart. When you are tempted to berate your teen for external behaviors, stop to talk about the “why” of what they are doing. This can be illuminating to you and your teen. Often times, your teen hasn’t stop to look at the “why” or where it is taking them. Your teen may be acting out of depression, insecurity, faulty thinking, fear, loss, and peer pressure. While setting healthy boundaries and addressing the behavior, you can also offer your teen desperately needed support, love, and a place to process their pain. Let them know that there is way out and a way up.

And remind them that God is with them. Give them the big picture and remind yourself, too. “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you [or your teen] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” God is still at work, even when your teen is acting out in pain. God loves your teen and wants to bring emotional healing, health and hope.

I could share story after story of teens who have come to Heartlight with a record of mistakes miles long. These kids were struggling in pain and anger, and their parents were almost hopeless. But one, two, or three years down the road, these teens learned to use the mistakes of their past to teach them to make wiser decisions in the future. Many are leading healthy and productive lives today. So when a bad situation starts to bring you down, look up. Get a glimpse of the future and know that years from now, you’ll look back and say, “Yes, God was working in my kid, and in that circumstance, the whole time.”

 

Turning Bad Into Good

Trust me, the Gregston’s are far from the perfect sitcom family. The truth is that every family has its share of trials. But when you trust God, every bad situation can be turned into a good opportunity for change, growth and even joy.

So, don’t give up or give in. Your teen needs you! This is the assignment God has called you to and He’s also provided resources for you so you don’t have to do it alone. Check the resources we offer online, consult your church pastor, join a parent support group, or seek professional counseling. Your teen is worth it!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director ofHeartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight atHeartlightMinistries.org.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

http://www.heartlightministries.org/2016/05/embracing-teen-conflict-for-good/

The challenges families face in finding the right help…

By Key Ministry

May 1-7, 2016 is Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week. We’re sharing this post a day early to begin calling attention to the challenges many families experience finding the right help for their child when their child experiences a mental health crisis.

Parents of kids with emotional, behavioral or developmental disorders frequently experience great frustration negotiating the confusing maze that constitutes our system of mental health care in many communities across the U.S. They often turn to pastors and ministry leaders as trusted resources in times of crisis. My own professional society (the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry) encourages parents to seek recommendations from their spiritual leaders. In honor of Children’s Mental Health Week, I want to help ministry leaders appreciate the challenges families face in finding the right help for their kids, and offer resources to share with parents when they look to the church for help.

Among the challenges families face are…

Access to professionals with the training and experience to effectively treat kids. I’m a child and adolescent psychiatrist by training…after medical school, I did a three year residency in general psychiatry at Cleveland Clinic prior to two additional years of training with kids at University Hospitals of Cleveland. There are approximately 8.000 child psychiatrists actively practicing in a country with approximately 75 million children and teens. The vast preponderance of child psychiatrists are clustered in major cities, and are especially rare in large areas of the South or Midwest…areas where the church tends to have more influence.

Finding professionals who will see kids and know what they’re doing can be a challenge. One difference between child psychiatrists and other clinicians who see kids involves the variability of training experiences and supervision prior to entering practice. Child psychiatrists have a minimum of five years of training and supervision following med school. In contrast, psychologists have the option of doing a one year internship in child psychology. Counselors in our state (Ohio) who identify children as an area of concentration would have a minimum of 1500 supervised contact hours of treatment with kids before entering independent practice.

Finding professionals who effectively provide evidence-based treatment. Here’s an example…Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be an effective alternative to medication in the treatment of kids with anxiety disorders or depression. In a city/region generally accepted to be among the top ten in the U.S. for medical resources, there are a handful of psychologists or counselors therapists in whom I have confidence when it comes to offering therapy of the quality received by the kids who participated in the published research studies.

Getting appointments in a timely manner. Because professionals with the training and experience to work with kids are in short supply, getting an appointment with the best people (assuming you have people in your area) can take a very long time. Even in large cities such as Boston and Washington D.C. with a relatively larger supply of professionals, appointment wait times have reached crisis proportions. In areas such as rural Wisconsin, waits for an appointment can reach two years!

Finding affordable care of high quality. In Northeast Ohio, we have a three-tiered healthcare system. Kids who qualify for Medicaid can access services through our teaching hospitals and community mental health centers. In some counties the available services for kids are outstanding and far exceed anything families with private insurance can access.

 What can the church do?

• Pastors and ministry leaders can become familiar with the resources available in their immediate communities to help kids and families in crisis. Many churches will have members and attendees who are pediatricians, psychologists or counselors who might make recommendations as to local resources for families in need. The local chapter of NAMI may be an excellent resource for church leaders in search of resources for kids and families.

• One way in which a church could provide a much-needed service to families in their immediate area would be to make available advocates who would help parents in search of mental health care connect with resources offered through community agencies, schools, private clinics and their health insurer.

• Families may need some short-term financial assistance from a deacon’s fund or other benevolence fund to obtain a competent assessment in a timely manner when they have a child or teen in crisis.

• The church can also provide a powerful demonstration of the love of Christ bycreating ministry environments in which families of kids with mental health disorders are welcomed and valued.

Editor’s note…AACAP developed Facts for Families to provide concise and up-to-date information on issues that affect children, teenagers, and their families. The AACAP provides this important information as a public service and the Facts for Families may be duplicated and distributed free of charge as long as the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is properly credited and no profit is gained from their use. Here are links to information on When to Seek Help for Your Child, Where to Find Help for Your Child and Understanding Your Mental Health Insurance.

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Key Ministry encourages our readers to check out the resources we’ve developed to help pastors, church leaders, volunteers and families to better understand the nature of trauma in children and teens, Jolene Philo’s series on PTSD in children, and series on other mental health-related topics, including series on the impact of ADHD, anxietyand Asperger’s Disorder on spiritual development in kids, depression in children and teens, pediatric bipolar disorder, and ten strategies for promoting mental health inclusion at church.

How Calm And Firm Wins With FASD.

By Mike & Kristin Berry

It’s not easy to parent a child with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). Ask any one of us who are in this trench…keeping our cool when we’re pushed to the edge daily, is an uphill climb. How can we successfully parent our children when every day is a fierce battle?

The power of calm:

I’m standing at the kitchen sink scrubbing potatoes and enjoying the happy sounds of my sons’ giggles drifting through the open window. That’s when I hear the low growl of unhappiness. Undetectable to most, it is my first warning sign that something is wrong. I turn to see our 7-year-old standing on the driveway, just beneath the window. His arms and legs are ridged at his sides. His fists are clenched tight and his gaze is sternly fixed on something non-existent. I can almost reach his soft blonde hair from my perch but I know I must not reach out yet. I grab a dishtowel as I exit the backdoor.

Drying my hands, I kneel down in front of my son and drop the towel beside me. I look him in the eye and ask softly, “What’s going on?” I don’t expect an answer the first time but I pause anyway. “Are you hurt? (pause) Frustrated? (pause) Angry?” I know I must go slow and steady. Too quick and he will pull further into his frustration. Too loud and I will shut down his ability to hear me all together. When he’s like this, I must remember that his brain is trying to catch up. Self-regulation doesn’t come naturally for this little one. I don’t put my hands on him yet. I just wait. Finally he gives a low gruff response. “Frustrated,” he murmurs. “Frustrated about what?” I ask too soon. “This is STUPID. I hate my brothers!” He shouts. “Ok, ok,” I sooth, “what happened?” About 30 seconds pass (I count in my head to make sure I don’t interrupt him) and I notice he’s made eye contact. I’m careful to make only a slight smile. We are connected and this is when the conversation can begin.

When my son was a toddler, a small frustration could shut him down for hours. A bumped knee, an untied shoe or a misplaced toy would send him into a complete melt down. When our son was a baby, we had to be the thermostat for his emotions. We had to show him step-by-step how to calm down and how to re-regulate emotions. After years of practice, our son is now able to identify specific emotions. The turn-around time for a melt down is now around 4 minutes. When we recall the hours of unreachable emotion, 4 minutes feels like a miracle.

When we sense that our son is dysregulated we still come alongside of him when we can. We still set the thermostat of our own emotions. We model calm through mindful facial expressions, even tone of voice, regulated breathing and slow movements. By keeping our cool, we have begun to teach our son how to regain calm in his own life.

By keeping our cool, we have begun to teach our son how to regain calm in his own life. – Kristin Berry

For all children, structure and consistency are deeply important. For most children, flexibility is acceptable from time to time. For our son, flexibility is not an option. Our 12 year old goes to bed at 7:45 each night. Bedtime figures in, the obligatory stalling (3 trips to the bathroom, can’t find his toothbrush, wants to sleep with the light on etc.) By 8:00 on the dot, the light goes off and the box fan/background noise turns on. We cannot veer from this plan.

Each night as the bedtime routine begins, my son’s challenge parallels the simple structure his father and I have created. “It’s 7:15, it will be time to brush your teeth in 5 minutes.” I give the calm alert. “Why don’t my brothers have to brush their teeth?” he demands. Recognizing that this is not a real question, I refuse to answer. At 7:20 I remind, “Time to brush your teeth.” He counters, “I just need to finish this game.” I grit my teeth to resist giving the lecture and reply simply, “teeth,” as I point to the clock. I usher the younger brothers through their bedtime routine. My older son has had the same routine for 12 years and knows that we will not tuck him in if he is not in the bed at 8:00. He still likes to have me rub his back while we pray but he may or may not remember this currency as he pushes the limit of my patience each night. As I read a bedtime story to my younger sons, I hear my 12 year old brushing his teeth, he even asks for the floss.

I smile and take a deep breath, the night has the potential to go very well or very poorly. This night he’s going to push the limits. “I have homework, why can’t I go to the skating rink tomorrow? Will you buy me an iPhone? Ugh, why not!?” We can’t waiver for a minute. Calm and firm are the name of this game. “Do you want me to tuck you in, or pray with you out here tonight?” I ask. “I want to have a sleepover at my friends house, and I want a package of skittles,” he responds. “Hey kiddo, do you want me to tuck you in tonight or pray with you in the hallway?” Tonight he’s going to accept the routine and I’m thankful. “Tuck me in, I guess,” He whispers. I tuck him in and say the same thing I’ve said every night for the past decade, “Hey buddy, I just have to tell you one thing…” “I know, I know,” he groans, “You love me!” “Nope that’s not it,” I say. “Its…I love you.” He rolls his eyes and for a moment we’ve made it past impulsive need for contradiction and he is just a typical pre-teen.

As a parent, it is so difficult to not let our emotions get the best of us, especially when we have children whose brains cannot sort these emotions on their own. In the end, we have the most success when we face each situation with a commitment to stay calm and stand firm.

http://confessionsofanadoptiveparent.com/how-calm-and-firm-wins-with-fasd/#more-5943

The Reality of Child Sex Trafficking and Foster Children

 

By: Dr. John DeGarmo

Child Sex Trafficking. It’s an ugly secret that many in the 21st century simply do not know about. It is also an ugly dark secret that many today wish to ignore. Yet, today’s children are at risk more than ever. For children in foster care, it is an ever present danger.

Sadly, the search for love for many children in foster care leads to a road of sexual exploitation. Foster children often are in need of love, yet do not know what a healthy and loving relationship is. With no one to show them early in their lives what true unconditional or healthy loving relationships are, children in foster care mistakenly seek it out, often times online. What many do not know, though, is that there are sexual predators online that are waiting for these foster children. These sexual predators know that foster children are particularly vulnerable to this kind of assault. These predators are often luring these children into a horrific web of child sex trafficking.

It is difficult to correctly profile today’s online sexual predator. In the early part of the twenty first century, the sexual predator may look like the neighbor next door, the doctor in town, the co-worker in your building, the owner of the successful business. Sexual predators come from all races, all nations, and all socio-economic situations. These predators believe that they will not get caught, as they feel the internet will give them a sense of anonymity.

Sexual predators seek out their victims by “luring” them in, or encouraging young children to reveal personal details and information about not only themselves, but their family members, as well. Online predators develop relationships with their victims slowly, known as “grooming,” usually in a non-threatening way. Predators scour the internet through chat rooms and social network sites, looking for children who are technically more advanced than t heir parents. Building a relationship throughout a period of time, over the course of weeks and sometimes even months, child victims feel that they can trust their new “friend.” These victims characteristically have experienced abuse at some point in their lives, having a history of prior sexual abuse. Along with this, victims have low self esteem problems, and are emotionally troubled or depressed. All of these signs are common to foster children. For the foster child who is craving someone to pay attention to them, to be their friend, and to love them, they are easy prey, making them easy targets for online predators.

It is time for us, as a society, to no longer ignore these sexual predators and child sext trafficking. It is time to recognize these dangers and rise up and put an end to it. It is time for you to stand up and fight for these children. If you do not, who will?

 

Dr. John DeGarmo has been a foster parent for 13 years, now, and he and his wife have had over 45 children come through their home. Dr. DeGarmo is the author of several foster care books, including the brand new book Love and Mayhem: One Big Happy Family’s Story of Fostering and Adoption. Dr. DeGarmo is the host of the weekly radio program Foster Talk with Dr. John, He can be contacted at drjohndegarmo@gmail, through his Facebook page, Dr. John DeGarmo, or at hiswebsite.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-john-degarmo/the-reality-of-child-sex-_b_8954560.html

 

Your Teen in a Seductive World

By Mark Gregston 

 
Have you looked around lately? Our kids live in a dangerous generation. They are constantly bombarded by seductive imagery. Innocence is threatened at a young age. And our culture isn’t doing anything to stem the tide. In fact, it’s pulling our teens away from purity and pushing them toward promiscuity. Sexual images are not just in an occasional movie or magazine—they are everywhere! While many teens understand and welcome their parent’s “messages” about modesty and abstinence, the overwhelming influence of their peers and their culture easily dwarfs those positive messages.

There is a near constant pressure forced on teens to give in and “belong.” Add to that easy access to pornography, the display of sexual images and themes across all forms of media, the promotion of “alternative sexual lifestyles,” and messages of instant gratification and a “do-what-you-want” mindset, all set our kids up for a “fall.”

Of course, it’s easy to point out the flaws of our culture, and bemoan the temptations our teens face. And I suppose we could place our kids in a monastery located on some lonely mountain in Tibet in order to protect their innocence. But I’ve learned that its not about taking teens out of the culture, but giving them the tools to stand strong within the culture that offers the best protection. Over the many years at Heartlight, we have worked with hundreds of boys and girls who struggle to maintain their integrity and personal purity. We have more than fifty teenagers living with us at Heartlight at any time. As we talk in group sessions, I’m often amazed by the pressure they feel to give in to promiscuity among their peers. The physical pleasure, comfort of a relationship, need to fit in, or the false promise of maturity have been traditional lures. But for the most part, promiscuity has become less sinister or emotional than that. Kids today think of sex as something as natural as breathing, exercising or eating ice cream — even at their age and out of wedlock. The kids I’m talking about are not the “bad crowd.” They are great teens, mostly from good Christian homes who were raised in the church. Yet they seem to compartmentalize morality between what’s appropriate at home or church and what’s okay to do with their friends. So let me give you some practical steps to help you and your kids navigate a seduction world.

A Need to Be Noticed

Sexuality is something that teens talk about all the time, and the banter among guys and girls alike can be shocking. But these conversations usually exemplify a teen’s craving for attention. Even though our kids are communicating like crazy over the Internet, texting, and through social media sites, they aren’t connecting. So teens will often resort to other ways to get noticed. A recent survey stated that 28% of kids high school will send an inappropriate picture through texts or the internet. They think they can get the connection they long for through their sexuality. And it makes sense that they think this way – the media often makes fun of virginity, and television, music, and advertising all send kids the strong message that sex is okay anytime and anywhere, as long as it’s consensual.

If you learn your teenager has been sending inappropriate pictures or has become sexually active, first try to understand those pressures and why they may be acting out this way. Then I encourage you to take a couple of steps back. Don’t respond with your first inclination. You will undoubtedly look at their sexual activity differently than they do. You’ll think of it as a loss of something, like their virginity, innocence, purity, or childhood. But your teen will feel that they’ve gained something, like experience, a stronger relationship, or coming into adulthood. The friction between your sense of loss and your teen’s sense of gain may cause so much heat that your relationship goes down in flames.

I’m not trying to justify your teen’s actions, nor am I buying into this seductive culture. But I do know that if handled wrong, you can make your teen feel as though they are unforgivable, forever unclean, and “out of the club” because of their poor choices. It’s where we lose so many teens from our families, churches and communities today. Shame on us, for shaming them. Do there need to be consequences for inappropriate behavior? You bet! Maybe stronger boundaries, or even a major change in the teen’s life to keep it from happening again? Absolutely! But a demeaning presentation of judgment and shame? Avoid this attitude at all costs. These approaches only destroys your relationship, and builds walls of resentment. This is no time to be burning bridges. Your teens need you to help them understand that there is a better way. You’ll have no way to do that if your relationship is destroyed.

Instead, think about how God would approach it. God assures each one of us of His constant presence. He doesn’t leave us when we make a mistake, nor does he turn His back on His children when they sin. He doesn’t disappear when the road gets dark, nor does He abandon us in times of need. He moves toward us, in hopes of change, restoration, forgiveness, and reconciliation. I would encourage you to follow God’s pattern when dealing with your teen who has fallen to sexual temptation.

Continuing the Conversation

Back in our day, our parents gave us “The Talk” once. I told my daughter, when she was planning “The Talk” with my granddaughter, that our culture requires far more than just one conversation. I told her to plan on having that talk every week for the next ten years! Equipping your teen to swim against the tide of sexual permissiveness is going to require ongoing interaction and instruction. Of course it would be easier to have the talk once and be done with it, but that approach won’t cut it today. Culture is normalizing sexual promiscuity; as a parent, it’s your job to normalize healthy, godly sexual boundaries.

Teenagers are not very good at recognizing long term consequences, so it’s helpful for you to point out the lifetime ramifications of promiscuity. Give them practical advice and direction, such as asking the question: What would your future wife or husband want in you? What would you tell your daughter or son to act in this situation? In the context of relationship, teens will see this instruction not as judgment, but as love and connection—just what they’re looking for. Moms and dads, you may think that your children are on the same page as you, or that they are mature enough to set and keep healthy sexual boundaries on their own. But that’s simply not true. Teens need heart-to-heart conversations from their parents, not just on sexuality, but about life in general. When you show your kids love, value and worth without expecting anything in return, you’re teaching them that they don’t need to be sexual to receive affirmation and attention. The more attention and kindness teens receive from both mom and dad, the less they will look for those things in unhealthy relationships with their peers of the opposite gender.

Sometimes parents ask, “Is it reasonable to expect my child to remain pure in this culture?” My answer is, “Yes, but it takes a lot of work!” Expectations alone aren’t enough to help your teen do right—you need to communicate those expectations to them and explain why and how they can and should be different from the culture. The time you spend talking to your teen about these expectations is a wonderful investment in their purity and future happiness.

There is no question that your teenagers will struggle with the allure of sex. It’s biological—just plan on it. You simply cannot keep them away from the drumbeat of a hyper-sexualized culture. Rather than covering their eyes and ears to the world around them, give your teens the information and tools to do what is right. Reinforce boundaries and provide reasons for purity. And make sure they know you will continue to love them no matter what.

As parents, we don’t have to be scared of our sons and daughters living in such a seductive culture. With a good relationship, secure boundaries, and unconditional love, we can offer our teens the tools to stay pure in an impure world.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,700 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

The Effects of the Middle School Years

By Mark Gregston, Parenting Today’s Teens

Remember that story about the ugly duckling? It’s a good metaphor for a lot of middle schoolers today. Between the time they emerge as little chicks and the time they finally grow into swans, there is that awkward middle period where they are not quite sure who they are or where they fit in. Symptoms of this difficult age might include the rather gangly arms and legs they haven’t quite grown into yet, or baby fat they haven’t quite outgrown, voices that range from squeaky to scratchy, acne, and personality changes that seem to come and go in your child on a daily basis.

We have all experienced this “ugly duckling stage” (if you need proof, go ahead and pull out your old yearbook). But this awkward and clumsy period in your child’s life may be more important than you remember from your own childhood. Now more than ever, the middle school years are crucial for developing into a healthy teenager and adult. Not very long ago, the average age of the kids who came to Heartlight was 17 and 18. Now the average age of the kids at Heartlight is 14! And nearly every kid who walks onto our campus tells me that middle school is where the trouble really started. One teen told me he started smoking pot in 6^th grade. Another told me she became sexually active on an 8^th grade school trip. It seems the issues and challenges facing teens in high school are now being introduced to kids in junior high, or even before! In today’s world, parents need to foster and build a healthy relationship with their kids in the formative middle school years, because that is when they need it the most.

It Starts In the Brain

To understand why the middle school years are so foundational, you have to get inside the mind of a junior higher (scary, I know). From birth to the age of two, the neural pathways in the brain of a child are wide open. Information is speeding through these pathways, allowing your child to develop speech and behavior patterns at a lightening fast rate. It’s like a high-speed Internet connection; your little babies are downloading knowledge into their brain at an astounding rate. After two years of age, those same neural pathways in your child begin to constrict and clog. What began as a high-speed Internet connection turns into a dial up modem. The window of opportunity babies have to gather all the information they need to develop gradually closes. It’s a “use-it-or-lose-it” time in the brain.

However, those neural pathways open up wide again in another period of your child’s life. Any guesses as to when? Around 10 to 14 years of age. That’s when tweens and teens have the potential to voraciously download masses of information into their growing brains. But once again, if that window of opportunity is missed in middle school, the brain will fall behind in developing the necessary skills needed later in life.

What does all this science mean for mom and dad? Simply this; before they even reach high school, your son or daughter needs you to invest in their lives. A child’s heart, and especially mind, is thirsty for wisdom, training and insight. Though it may not seem like it, your middle-schooler is a sponge, soaking up bits of information from whatever surroundings they find themselves in. And they desperately need mom and dad to ensure that their environment contains all the necessary ingredients for a healthy and productive life.

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

If the tween years are some of the most influential in a child’s life, the question is, how can we use this time to make the greatest impact? Without hesitation, I would say that parents can have the biggest influence on their middle-schoolers by giving them undivided attention. Focusing attention on your child is like investing in Google stock. It has great value now, and will only keep growing. When you drop what you are doing to listen to your daughter talk, you are demonstrating that she has worth and importance in your life. When you set aside time every week to take your son out to dinner, you are indicating that time with him is precious. There is no substitute for the undivided attention of mom and dad in the life of a child.

Youth groups and school have their place. But they are poor replacements for a caring parent. There is a temptation to think that junior high pastors or middle school teachers are better equipped and better trained to speak into the life of your kid. But that’s not true! That youth pastor is a great ally, but can never take the place of a parent. That 6^thgrade teacher may be a role model, but cannot be your child’s greatest influence. It is vital that moms and dads grasp their unique position in relation to their tweens and actively engage with their children.

UNREAL EXPECTATIONS

Another way parents can positively impact their child’s formative tween years is to let go of those unrealistic dreams and expectations for their kids. It is very natural to have plans for your child. We envision what our son will look like, talk like, act like. Our daughter will play volleyball, go to college, get married, give us ten grandbabies.

However, often times our kids don’t turn out the way we thought. Perhaps in these middle school years, your junior-higher puts on a little weight. Your son shows no interest in sports. Your daughter would rather play the accordion than the piano. Your middle-schooler wants to be a forest ranger instead of an architect. It is safe to say that the things you envision for your child may not come to pass.

Instead of pushing your expectations upon your children, use the middle school years to build your relationship. Let go of your dreams, and work to understand and appreciate the person your son or daughter is becoming on their own. Show an interest in what interests them. Ask good questions that display your desire to know about their lives. Cheer them on in their successes, and help pick them up in their defeats. The majority of conflicts that happen in the home are the result of our expectations shattering. But when we focus on relationships and learn to appreciate our children for who they are, the struggles between parents and tweens diminish, and the home becomes a much more peaceful place for kids to grow up.

UNMITIGATED FORGIVENESS

Lastly, parents can invest in the lives of their tweens by frequently employing the use of two phrases; “I’m sorry”, and “I forgive you.” When we as parents make mistakes (and we do), we need to be the first ones to apologize. And when our tweens make a mistake (and they most certainly do that!), moms and dads need to be quick to extend grace. By asking for and offering forgiveness regularly, you’re imprinting on young minds the importance of forgiveness and the understanding that there is no sin or blunder that will ever stop you from loving each other. There’s great freedom for a child in knowing that no matter how goofy, clumsy, moody or unruly they become, they are still loved.

Take advantage of these middle school years and begin shaping your child into the responsible and mature teenager and adult they will become. The ugly duckling stage doesn’t last long. But it’s a powerful time period where your child needs your undivided, gracious attention more than ever.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director ofHeartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.  His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,700 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

You can find out more about Heartlight at www.HeartlightMinistries.org.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.