What Fostering Teens Has Taught Me

by Janier Caban- Hernandez

If you asked six years ago if I wanted to be a foster dad, I would have said, “NO way Jose!” Being a single, Latino male I had no idea what I could offer a child, especially as I generally don’t like little kids. As I was going through the PRIDE (Parent Resource for Information, Development, Education) classes, I became increasingly nervous as I learned more and more about the needs of these children. Could I deliver, am I ready and what about the “what ifs”…?

I was ready to speak to the trainer and drop out, until I befriended four Latino foster teenagers who lived in another foster home. After raiding my refrigerator and asking me to cook them Puerto Rican food, they encouraged me to become a foster father as “there aren’t any Latino men.” All the teens that come to my home are Latinos because from the start, we have something in common: a cultural connection and understanding of the importance of “familia” (family), “respecto”(respect) and “confianza” (“trust”).

Little kids always drove me crazy, but teenagers are an age group that I can talk and negotiate with. What I have learned about living with teenagers, I learned by attending post-licensing training, participating in roundtable discussions with other foster parents and foster teenagers and mostly by talking with the boys in my house (…and at times, “therapeutic yelling” helps!).

 

I tell the boys that come to my home that:

1. You don’t earn my respect or trust, you only lose it.
2. When you get me upset, you’ll be the first to know and when I get you upset, I want to be the first to know.
3. I’ll make mistakes, so help me out.
4. Help me understand how to use my cell phone, please!
5. Being courteous is never old fashioned.
6. Women like to be respected and not treated as “one of the boys.”
7. I’ll cook dinner, but you clean up.
8. As we need to communicate, I’ll get you a cell phone and pay half the bill, you pay the other half with your chore money.
9. Your education is NOT an option, you HAVE to go to school and if you need school related items, I’ll get it.
10. You’ll get $10 for every “A” grade.
11. Don’t tell me you are proud of being a Puertorriqueño, show me by your actions and deeds.

My boys are part of my family. Some have moved out but we still contact each other and when they need help, they know they can call me. Now that I co-facilitate PRIDE classes and open houses, I challenge the participants to consider teenagers, as there is such a need for them to be welcomed to a nurturing and supportive foster home. After all, those cute little kids eventually become teenagers!

 

If you are interested in fostering a teen, please contact your social service worker. The Bair Foundation has an urgent need for foster parents who are willing to open their hearts and homes to teens.

Three Simple Ways to Connect With Your Teen

Written by Mark Gregston.

Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication.  Someone isn’t listening – Emma Thompson

Around the dinner table, or over the weekends, what do you and your teen talk about?  If you’re like most parents, the conversations fall into a few standard categories: academics, work, behaviors, privileges, sports, friends, clothes, chores, or the rules of the house.  This is a long list, full of important topics that are worth discussing.  But can you think back to a conversation with your child that didn’t revolve around these typical aspects of a teen’s life?  Unfortunately, most of what we talk about relates to what our teens are doing (or in many cases not doing).  But we often forget to ask what they’re thinking—what their passions and goals are in life.

Good communication is essential to establishing a healthy and loving relationship with your teen.  When I mention this, many parents of struggling teens tell me, “But Mark, my teen and I talk all the time!”  The truth is, talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean that you’re communicating.  In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said or asked.

Mom and dad, do you want to connect with your teen in a way that helps them share their deepest hopes, biggest concerns or growing fears?  Or is the standard mode of communication between the two of you an endless stream of superficial words, demands, and lecturing?  Let me share with you three simple ways you can improve your communication and make a meaningful connection with your teen.

Communicate By Asking Questions

One of the most powerful tools in a parent’s toolbox is a good question.  With the right question, you can gain entrance into your child’s world and have a greater opportunity to speak into their lives.  It’s the same way with adults.  When someone asks our opinion, we feel valued.  When someone shows interest in our passions and interests, we feel appreciated.  Our favorite subject is often ourselves!  Ask even a reserved teenager a good question, and you’ll probably find yourself waist deep in a stream of conversation.  

So what counts as a good question?  You can go ahead and forget about questions like “How was your day?” or “What were you thinking?”  If a question can be answered in a single word, then it won’t build good communication.  And if your question is laced with sarcasm, judgment or meant to embarrass, chances are your teen won’t even hear it.  Good questions convey a sense of value and relationship.  They are a way to move toward your teen by asking what they think, how they feel, and giving them the freedom answer honestly.

Some examples of good questions include:

• What would be one thing I could do for you to make your life better?
• We’re all known for something.  What would you like to be known for?
• Do you think the music (or movies, TV shows) you watch or listen to influences you, or is just an expression of what you feel, or what you’re in the mood for?
• What would make school better for you?
• What’s a lesson about life you’ve learned this week?
• When you hear someone talk about a “real man” who comes to mind?
• If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would you choose?

It’s crucial we keep our mouths shut long enough to hear a child’s answer.  And when the real answer comes out, regardless of how shocking it may be, don’t respond with anger or disappointment.  Just listen.  Establishing a line of communication is far more important at this point than scolding or saying “I told you so.”

Often, just by asking questions, you empower your teens to apply the values you have already taught them.  Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you, so be ready to give thoughtful and honest answers!

Communicate Respect in Times of Conflict

Maintaining an attitude of respect is a large part of healthy communication.  If you demand a level of respect from your teenager, then they also expect a measure of consideration from you.  This spills over not only into our words, but also into our tone and demeanor.  You wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect, so why would do that to your teen?  Show grace and respect in the way you communicate with your child, and they’ll be quicker to respond in the same way with you.

Conflict is inevitable when it comes to parenting teenagers.  Try and make it your goal at the end of any argument to provide an opportunity for a hug.  Just because there’s conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is ruined.  Even if I can’t agree with my kids, I still want them to know that they are loved.  Being respectful has nothing to do with the consequences you may need to enforce, or the problems that need to be dealt with.  Instead, it means maintaining the right approach in communicating with your teen.

When you need to address a problem or behavioral issue, I again recommend asking a good question.  It can help engage a teen’s thinking process and the system of beliefs you’ve taught them.  You may be surprised to find they come to the right conclusion all on their own!

Communicate by Listening More, Speaking Less

Staying silent when our teen is talking isn’t necessarily the same thing as listening.  We may hear the words our teen is using, but do we really understand what they’re trying to say?

In the many years I’ve worked with kids, I’ve found that they often say things not to communicate valuable information, but simply to process life.  Your daughter isn’t necessarily looking for a response when she vents about issues with a homework assignment.  Your son may not need an opinion or a solution when he explains his problem with a friend.  They may just need a listening ear.  Take time to hear what they have to say—without putting in your two cents.

A Sunday school teacher once asked the ten-year-olds in her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.”  I’ll admit; many times that was me.  And if this sounds like you, it may be time to own up to the fact that your listening skills could use some improvement.

Being consistent in listening to your child goes a long way in determining his or her willingness to share their deep concerns with you.  If a teen shares her heart and it’s misunderstood or met with quick judgments and opinions, they will eventually quit sharing.  If our teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason.  And the reason may be that we aren’t listening anyway.

Maybe your connection to your teen is a bit frayed at the moment.  A little bit of intentionality and care will go a long way in this area!  My prayer is that these three communication methods can help you reconnect with your son and daughter, and help you establish more open, loving relationships in your home.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear theParenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast atwww.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Oh No, I’ve Said Too Much

We are sharing this post by foster and adoptive parent Amy Monroe about the importance of confidentiality when it comes to your foster or adoptive child. This is a great reminder that some things are meant to remain private, and it’s easy to let something slip without a second thought to the consequences.

By: Amy Monroe - February 14, 2013

We’ve all done it.  I dare say there is not an adoptive or foster parent alive that has not had that sinking feeling as they walked away from a conversation, hung up the phone, or re-read their online post after it had already been “liked” 30 times.  It’s that uneasy realization that you said too much about your child.  You shared more than you should have (we call it “oversharing”), and now you wish you could take back those details, that personal and private information so apt to be misunderstood or even misused.  But you can’t, or at least not easily.

I’ve been there.  I wish I only had one example to recount, but unfortunately there are many. For example, I remember the time when I was asked a perfectly innocent question by a stranger in front of my four children.  My answer gave rise to another question, this time a bit more personal and invasive.  Before I knew it she asked, “So, are they all real siblings?” Knowing what she was trying to ask I attempted to answer her question honestly but ended up offering way too much personal information about their birth histories and birth families.   My answer should have simply been “Yes” or “they are now.”   What was I thinking?  All I had to do say was a simple, “Yes.”

So what is a parent to do?  The first thing may be obvious, but I’ll say it anyway.  Be thoughtful, be careful, and be intentional about what you share, how you share, and with whom you share – before you share it.  When it comes to oversharing, prevention truly is the best medicine.  Always remember that it’s your child’s story, and you are their trusted guardian.  So be a good guardian of their story.  And remember that your focus is not on keeping secrets, but rather maintaining your child’s privacy.  Jayne Schooler talks about this in her book, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child.  She points out that there is a big difference between keeping secrets and maintaining privacy.  In short, secrets shame but privacy protects, and protection is what we desire for our children.  We want to protect them and their privacy, and eventually empower them to understand their own history and have the tools to determine if, how, when, and with whom they will share their story.

Second, be willing to acknowledge that this is a big deal. That doesn’t mean you should drown in guilt about having overshared, or beat yourself up and be afraid to ever talk about your journey to anyone, anywhere.  After all, God is writing a story with your life and you should tell your story.  But too often our initial reaction on sensitive subjects like this can be one of defensiveness, and this can lead us to minimize the importance of not oversharing.  Remember, this is not about pointing a finger of blame at yourself or others to heap guilt about using Facebook or having conversations with friends about the adoption journey.  It’s about learning what it means to be faithful parents…faithful to love our children in the unique ways that their unique histories and unique needs demand.

So maybe you are like me and you walked up to the line of “too far” and accidentally crossed it and overshared.  Maybe you’ve stepped over that line so many times now it is hardly noticeable at all.  Or maybe everyone you run with routinely crosses that line and so you’ve convinced yourself that it does not or should not exist.  Or maybe you were simply never aware that any such line even existed.  Only you can determine where that line of what to share, with whom, and how exists for you and your child.  But let’s agree together that there is (or should be) a line and that it is important, and then let’s commit to really wrestle to determine where to draw that line (recognizing that line may move as your child gets older).  Read some books, watch or listen to some presentations, thoughtfully consider the questions that Michael and Melanie suggested, and talk with your spouse and seek out experienced adoptive and foster parents who themselves have wrestled with this subject.  Above all, pray and seek God’s guidance to help you discern how to faithfully love and protect your child and his story.

If you know that you have already shared too much, be willing to acknowledge that too.  And, commit to take tangible steps to make it right.  Maybe that means it’s time for a “spring cleaning” of sorts by deleting or editing some old posts on your blog or Facebook page.  Maybe that means it’s time to recruit grandparents, members of your extended family, and close friends who know private, sensitive details about your child’s story to make these people official co-guardians of your child’s story.  Explain to them what you’ve learned.  Help them understand that this is not about keeping secrets but rather it’s about protecting your child’s privacy.  Help them see that they have an important role to play.  We’ve had these types of conversations with family and friends, and we were very encouraged by their understanding and desire to help us love our children well.

Finally, never forget that grace and forgiveness are available.  I’m convinced that one of the greatest gifts I can give my children is to humble myself when I have wronged them and genuinely seek their forgiveness, and then do my part to repair the relationship.  As my kids have gotten older there have been times when I’ve been too liberal with their story in answering a question from a stranger.  There have been times I have failed to ask their permission before sharing with others about an example of something they are struggling with or the type of help we are utilizing.  In these times I’ve had to admit I crossed the line and I had to seek their forgiveness.  Is that hard for me?  Absolutely.  Is it important?  More than I’ll ever know.

Maybe you, like me, have broken trust with your children by oversharing.  If they are developmentally mature enough, consider sitting down with them, acknowledging what you’ve done, seeking forgiveness, discussing together where the line should be, and helping them see – in both your words and actions – that you are committed to love and protect them (and their story) as you walk this journey together.

For more on the subject of oversharing and protecting your child’s story, read Michael Monroe’s article, Before You Share, Make Sure It’s Yours to Share, and Melanie Chung-Sherman’s article, Protecting What Is Sacred, written from an adopted person’s perspective. Original blog post can be found here http://tapestryministry.org/oh-no-ive-said-too-much

The Battle for Control

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a fight with your teen, thinking: how can we be seeing this so differently? Why can’t my teen understand that I’m doing this to protect him?

Often, when we argue with our teens, we are fighting for two different things. Parents fight for protection. Teens fight for control.

As a parent, we have a tendency to control our kids to protect them. It makes sense. We want to ensure that our kids have the best opportunities for life. But in that protection, our high-control techniques keep them from exercising muscle that will actually strengthen their character in the long run.

It’s like getting a new car. When you pull your new wheels into the driveway, it looks gorgeous. It’s clean, sleek, and perfect. And then, you drive it. After you put on a couple thousand miles, it gets dings in the door and scratches in the paint. The shine wears off. You have the choice to keep the car in perfect condition, but you would need to keep it in the garage to do so.

The way we control our kids is similar. If you keep them away from the world, they won’t experience the pain and hurt that normally comes with everyday life. But keeping your kids isolated in the garage has an inherent problem: someday they will be forced to drive out into the world. Do you really want the first time your child gets hurt or makes a mistake to be when they are away from you? Whether that’s away at college, or when their primary relationship is with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the mistakes they make will be a lot more costly if they aren’t in relationship with you.

Adolescence is about the transition teens make from childhood to adulthood. In order to allow this to happen, they need to have opportunities to make choices in their lives. Teens really want three things: to make decisions about themselves, to feel like they’re in control, and to have opportunities to prove their maturity and to show you that they can do it. It’s not a surprise that they want these things. When your kids were young, they learned about growing up. They used you as their model and formed their own hopes and expectations for adulthood on what they saw in you. Now that they are teens, they are breaking away from having their identity tied so tightly to you as their parent, and because of this, they encounter this struggle for control.

As a parent, when you don’t allow your teens to have opportunities for control, they can respond with rebellious behavior. Sometimes, they withdraw from opportunities. They may become aloof or lazy and will just coast through life. Other times, teens can fight for control through making choices without your counsel, or will intentionally rebel against how you have counseled them. At some point, you aren’t going to be able to influence your teen. Whether your teen is out of the area for college, the military, or a job, your ability to speak into your child’s life will decrease. When this happens, what you have done up until that point will be the primary source of guidance that your teen will have to reflect on – so it’s wise to make the most of the time you have with them right now.

If you aren’t sure whether you are controlling your teen’s life, ask them! Hey, I’m sure your son or daughter will be brutally honest when you simply ask the question. And an open line of communication is one of the most important things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your teen. Whether or not your teen thinks you are controlling, give them more things to be responsible for. Think about chores around the house, and responsibilities they have in school or extracurricular activities. Every piece of life is an opportunity to give your child a chance to grow his own ability to apply the lessons you have taught them. If you are controlling every aspect of your child’s life, later on, they will not know how to respond to the things that life throws at them.

As you give your child more opportunities for responsibility, be ready to support them in both success and in failure. Having your teen become more responsible may be exciting to you in the beginning, but if you don’t build that sense of trust between you and your teen that you will be there when they fail, the responsibility you give them will end up demoralizing and frustrating them.

It’s hard to think about your teen growing up. We like the young and innocent phase, and it’s a little threatening when our children begin to emerge as young adults. At times, when your teen makes goofy choices or makes stupid mistakes, you will be tempted to seize control so that you can protect them. The secret is finding a healthy balance to allowing freedom while building trust with your teen.

As parents, let’s do our best to stop controlling and start inviting our teens to greater levels of responsibility. The rewards will be rich as we watch them develop into responsible and independent adults.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas. For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Go to http://www.heartlightministries.org. Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at http://www.markgregston.com. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173. Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Secondary Trauma

Foster Parents work daily, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with children who have been traumatized. They listen to their stories and feel their hurt. Empathy is often the most important tool foster parents bring to helping the children in their care. Unfortunately, the more empathic they are the greater their risk for internalizing the trauma of their foster children. The result of this engagement is secondary traumatic stress. – Donald Conrad, LCSW

Trauma. We talk about it a lot, particularly in relation to the children we serve. But what about how it affects you, our foster parents? We started formally addressing this in our Promoting Placement Stability training, stressing the importance of taking care of yourself so you can properly support and take care of the children in your home. The metaphor of, when on a plane, being instructed to put your own oxygen mask on first, before trying to help others, is apt.

The term “secondary trauma” comes from the idea that helpers, such as yourselves, are but one step away from the original trauma. Rachel Remen expressed: “The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as expecting to be able to walk through water without getting wet.”

Some reasons foster parents are at particular risk for the effects of secondary trauma include:

1. Empathy. You spend so much time expressing empathy for the children you care for, it is sometimes possible to over-identify with them and begin to internalize their trauma.
2. Insufficient recovery time. As part of your empathy, you hear horrific stories and see the effects of children’s trauma not just once, but every day.
3. Unresolved personal trauma. We’ve all had our own share of trauma and loss in our lives, but if it isn’t dealt with appropriately, working with traumatized children can “re-activate” some of our own issues.
4. We work with children. Children are vulnerable and we see so many who have been hurt by those who should haven been caring for, and protecting them. Frustration with our inability to make the big changes to “the system” can sometimes feel defeating.

It’s important to remember that we serve a God who is bigger than all of these issues. Putting our concerns in His hands is the best and first place to start, should you begin to feel wore down. Coming to parent support groups is another opportunity to find prayer and support from those who can appreciate your burdens. Talk to your staff: we have the very best staff, here at Bair, but please don’t assume that they can “read between the lines” that you may be feeling stress or want prayer. Talk about your needs and ask for prayer! We’re here to support you! Try some of the suggestions offered in the Promoting Placement Stability training, about taking care of yourself. Don’t remember what they were? Ask your staff for another copy of the handouts!

Remember: ultimately, your ability to effectively care for the children in your home depends on your ability to care for yourself… physically, spiritually, socially, and emotionally. Thank you for the tireless hard work you do for the glory of God every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Moderating the Internet in Your Family

“In the next 10 years, I expect at least five billion people worldwide to own smartphones, giving every individual with such a phone instant access to the full power of the Internet, every moment of every day.” ~ Marc Andreesen, Co-founder of Netscape

 

Just how addicted are we to the Internet? Recent data tells us that every sixty seconds:

+        98,000 new tweets are posted

+        12,000 new ads on placed on Craigslist

+        600 new videos are uploaded to YouTube

+        370,000 people are Skyping

+        695,000 Facebook posts are posted

+        168,000,000 e-mails sent

 

Researchers also tell us that the average teen spends ten hours a day looking at a television, phone, tablet, or computer screen. Time Magazine conducted a fascinating poll of 5,000 people from around the world. Of that group, 84% stated they could not go a single day without their smart phones. And 80% of 18-24 year-olds sleep beside their phones like it’s a teddy bear!

 

It’s apparent that most of us have an addiction to the Internet and our instruments of technology. As parents, we know there are many benefits to the web, but we’re also aware of its not-so-hidden dangers. The Internet is an ocean of information, but not all the waters are safe to swim in. So with constant access and growing compulsions to be online, it’s more important than ever to establish boundaries for our kid’s Internet usage. Not only should we to prevent our children from developing an unhealthy addiction to screen time, but we also need to protect and guide them through the dangerous tides of the web.

 

Build the Fence

The first step toward protecting your kids and helping them develop healthy habits is to establish family rules for Internet usage. Write down the guidelines, and clearly communicate the boundaries and the consequences for breaking them. To give you a running start, some of the guidelines might be:

+        No more than two hours on Facebook a day, and no inappropriate language

+        Never give anyone information about yourself online

+        No more than sixty texts a day. And absolutely no sexting!

+        No more than two hours a day on the Internet, unless it’s for a school project

+        No posting mean comments, harassing other people, or writing insulting remarks

+        No Internet use after midnight

+        Parents are allowed to check phones, Facebook pages, and Internet histories. We’ll try not to be snoops, but we do want make sure you’re okay.

 

In addition to these boundaries, keep the home computer in a public area, like the family room or kitchen. Also, put filters on your computers and smart phones. They are a great way to protect your family from getting lost in a sea of unwelcome information available on the web.

 

Teaching Discernment

In talking with many parents, sometimes their first reaction to the problems of technology is just to turn everything off. Or they attempt to monitor their child’s every move on their computers and phones. It’s tempting to close in the boundaries so tight, that there is no wiggle room for our teens. But the reality is, we cannot control the Internet. It’s out of our hands. While we have a responsibility to protect our children, it’s in the teen years that we have the opportunity to move from teaching and policing to coaching and training. While they’re young, children need greater adult supervision on the computer. But teens require guidance on how to deal with the constant stream of information they have access to every day. It’s not enough to put filters on our teen’s computer and phones. There’s always a way to get around them. Instead, let’s have honest conversations with our teens about setting proper boundaries. Talk with your son or daughter about cyber-bullying, and ways they can avoid it and help others. Talk with your child about the problems of pornography and why they should keep their eyes pure. Discuss with your teen about over-sharing on Facebook, or MySpace, and the dangers associated with revealing too much to strangers. These conversations go a lot further in putting up solid boundaries than merely enforcing rules. Teaching our teens how to have discernment for themselves is vitally important when it comes to the Internet. It’s about giving them the tools they need to battle the forces of our culture that wish to draw them into a dependence upon screens and technology.

 

Will teaching self-control and discernment mean your teen won’t make a mistake? I wish it did. Kids will make mistakes and inevitably break some of the Internet rules. But even in those mistakes we’ll find more teaching opportunities. Let your teen experience the consequences of their mistakes—whether it’s a loss of privileges for a while, grounding, or restitution—and continue to slowly delegate more responsibility for self-government. Use their mistakes to coach your child in biblical principles for navigating their culture.

Unplugging

In addition to setting up family boundaries and teaching discernment, we can also help our kids avoid the dangers of Internet addiction by modeling moderation. One of the best ways to do this is to have an “unplugged” night in your home once a week, or at least once a month. On that night, each member of the family has to turn off all electronics for the whole night. You’re sure to hear groans the first time around, but by making the night fun, you can dodge that bullet. Play active games like charades or Pictionary. Or make a campfire in the backyard, and roast marshmallows. Or have everyone cook something for dinner, and then have a tasting buffet. Most importantly on “unplugged” nights, engage in conversation. Talk face-to-face with your kids and spouse, and model how to have conversations apart from screens.

 

One thing I’ve learned is that teens love to talk about themselves. So ask them questions that get them to talk about their likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, goals, and dreams. Here’s a list of questions to get you going:

+        If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

+        What’s the most fun thing you’ve ever done?

+        Do you think we’re the only people out of all the solar systems known to man?

+        If you won the lottery and had to spend it all, what would you spend it on?

+        What talent would you like to have that you don’t have right now?

+        Who’s the greatest athlete of all time?

+        Do you think Facebook is true to life, or is it a little fake?

+        Would you ever jump out of an airplane with a parachute or hop off a bridge on a bungee rope?

+        Who is the most talented musician you’ve ever heard?

 

 

These types of questions make for great conversations and display for your teen the value of communication sans smart phones, Facebook, text messages, or the Internet. Use “unplugged” nights not only to teach moderation and balance to your kids, but also use it as time to reconnect to your family in ways that are life changing and positive.

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” The Bible is not against using the Internet, and we shouldn’t be either. But God’s Word does tell us to make the most of our time and to be self-controlled. It’s something we should be reminding our teens as we seek to teach and instruct them on putting up fences in their own lives.

 

 

http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2012/11/09/moderating-the-internet-in-your-family

Reflecting a Gracious God to Your Children

What tools do you employ in your tool belt of parenting? What utensils are in the kitchen drawer that you can draw on? My wife was relating to me a very interesting conversation she had with my two sons in the car the other day. It challenged us to add another tool or utensil to our arsenal.

It went a bit like this:

Thabo (age 5): Mom, would God ever embarrass me? Like by making me get married?

Lindsey (mom): Would that be embarrassing?

Garett (age 7): That’s for sure!

Then there is much giggling… and finally one shouts “Jesus is Lord!” (not sure why….remember, this is little boy land).

Lindsey: What does it mean that Jesus is Lord?

Garett: He is the king and in charge

Lindsey: What does it mean that He is the king and in charge?

Garett: We need to do what he says, we need to obey him.

Lindsey: We do need to obey God. Why do you think this is?

Boys: Cause we have to…

Lindsey: What would happen if we did not obey him?

Thabo: God will make us sick and give us diseases!

Lindsey: Well…What about Jesus dying on the cross?

Boys: Oh yeah, that is right!

Lindsey: God doesn’t make us sick or punish us. Who does he punish?

Thabo: Uh, well….Daddy?

Lindsey: No, He did that to Jesus.

Garett: Oh yes, He died on the cross!

Lindsey: He took the punishment for our disobedience because He loves us.

Thabo: That’s why we are missionaries!

As my wife related this exchange to me, it got us thinking how quickly the idea of an angry God gets embedded in us. It seems from birth the anti-grace idea is one we carry.

The subtle form of this belief is that God will only bless us if we are bigger, faster, stronger, and better than all the others. At its worst and most destructive, is a belief that as a mean and angry God, He delights in our misfortune.

We learn from our parents, the result of making mistakes is getting punished. This is part of good parenting. Giving our children boundaries and consequences if they disobey is part of our recipe for success. Punishment ensues if they cross these lines. This is how we train up a child. (Proverbs 22:6)

This conversation has led my wife and I to consider adding a utensil to our repertoire. What would happen if when we punished our kids, it involved something demonstrating grace? This would illustrate that grace is an active force in their lives training us.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age. — Titus 2:11-12

Grace appeared… training us! It is an active force in our lives to help us grow and change.

Seeing a “God is the bad guy, He is out to get you,” belief engrained in my children makes me want to give this a try.

 

Here are several suggestions to model grace to our children:

• Tell them they will receive a punishment, but then offer to take it for them. My son Garett often loses the ability to play the iPod Touch. What if we took that punishment for him? What if he saw us unable to play and he could? Sounds a bit like Jesus taking our place.

• Have them pray, asking Jesus to change them, rather than encouraging the child to change themselves. This demonstrates that the Christian life cannot be led by our own strength. (We’ve done this one in our household!)

• Have the children apologize by naming their sin. Facing their sin helps them own it, thereby receiving the forgiveness of a parent at a deeper level.

• If someone wrongs you as a family, go the extra mile. Give the people something good, even though they don’t deserve it. This is the “heap burning coals” principle and demonstrates grace as a gift undeserved.

 

Today I want to challenge us as parents to use grace in our tool belt or kitchen utensil drawer. Add this to all the other instruments we have at our disposal as parents.

But do not merely put it in the belt or the drawer.  Use it! Model grace to your children…  And in this way reflect Christ to our disciples.

 

From http://christiansupermom.com/reflecting-gracious-god-children

A follow-up: http://www.nosuperheroes.com/teach-grace-to-children/

See also: http://www.thrivingfamily.com/Features/Magazine/2012/grace-doesnt-just-happen.aspx